the iq of a cow
Too much bad news is floating around me and my friends. I thought I’d try to post something a little more upbeat or more irrelevant to our personal lives, as it would be more appropriate to describe. Something to try and cheer everyone up so I thought I’d finish writing this post which I started many moons ago. So, I updated it and made a lot of corrections to it until it took a life of its own and I gave up. I hope you enjoy it. Many thanks to Diz for proofreading this when my brain died on me.
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I am sitting there watching the news with a cow-like expression on my face. You know, the apathetic, the uninterested, the “what the hell do I care” sort of look. The “may the Gods keep me well and I don’t give a rat’s ass about the rest of the humanity” look. I don’t care, any Gods, the 12 that live (or used to live) up at the top of Olympus (because people haven’t seen them in a few years and there have been no reports on their whereabouts lately), the mighty Egyptian Isis with her philanthropic tendencies, or even Krishna, since now in my new found cow-like state, I could use a protector. Any one will do, I don’t mind, let them pick who’s going to keep me from harm, I’m easy.
I should note I have nothing against cows; on the contrary, I have the utmost appreciation for cows. I respect them. They are serious, hard-working and reliable. But everyone can admit that you can’t include their fascinated stare among their many, otherwise wonderful, qualities. I don’t know how to describe it without approaching it in a surreal way. As if it is chewing gum? But hold the chewing? Well, something like that.
I am sitting there watching the news with a cow-like approach to it. Politics and civil wars between politicians. Attacks and hits below the belt. And we, the news watchers, are in the middle, invited to pick a side. Some are playing the race card, others are playing the feminist card. I am playing the “keep it to yourselves” card. I don’t live there anyway, so I switch the channel.
Oh brilliant, more news. I am sitting there watching the news, on a different channel this time, with the cow-like look. Too bad, no scandals this week. Oh wait, there’s one, it’s a repeat. The phone-in scandal of the TV channel(channels? were there more than one?) where people cried over not being included in the draws because they let them call after the participation time had ended. Poor Ant & Dec, you were caught in the middle of a £3 million controversy.
I am there watching the news with a cow-like idealism where nothing is important or everything is. By looking at a cow, you’ll never be able to tell. She might be suffering from constipation or giddy beyond belief or reason, and yet the expression on her face won’t change. Amy Winehouse, Britney Spears, Madonna - names fly out of that box with the images that move and I am untouched. Mentally unaltered. Nothing makes me feel a thing. It’s not important - I shall move along. Press another button and be transferred to another time and place.
I am now sitting there watching someone try to build a house in Spain with the same cow-like stare. The ground is not what they expected and they’ve gone over the budget. Oh, the drama. But a cow is still a cow no matter what is happening around her. There is no hay to chew, so I’m biting my nails. Just because they’re there and easy to get to. I’d rather watch the news.
I am sitting there watching the news and they are talking. Endlessly, these wonderfully articulated people are still talking about small things, unimportant things, repeated stories and I am taking it all in. In a cow-like fashion. Rechewing it and digesting it. Haven’t we already dealt with all this? We have a new prime minister, leave it alone, let him do whatever he can and when the time comes you’ll have your chance to elect someone else. Stop bitching about the same old things. He failed to do what you thought and what he promised he would. Write him a letter and ask him nicely. He might consider your requests, you never know. None of the politicians ever did something when you yelled on TV about it anyway, so why not try this less annoying approach?
Everything else has been taken care of. No new things to talk about. Just the same old cud, rechewed and yet still there. Even as a cow, who is used to cud, I am getting sick of all this. Or is it that no news equals good news? It is, isn’t it?
And as I am watching the news I am overcome by a feeling of optimism. Everything has been dealt with, so they’re repeating it because they have nothing else to say. Everything belongs in the past then.
We live in a society of good. A society so perfect that the news reports don’t have enough news to fill their time. A nation so well tuned, like a Swiss watch. This is no longer a nation - it is an equilibrium personified. With watches, banks and fields. And cows. Many cows…
And when I realised it I was very happy. And I breathed again, like the cow I am!
lies on top of lies, mum is still doing okay though
It was not a Lipoma. It was a Meningioma. It was a tumour. It was a brain tumour far more dangerous than a Lipoma. It was causing her headaches, nauseas, lack of balance (which was a result of episodes of partial paralysis) and who knows what else.
The doctor said that had it been left untreated it could possibly lead to paralysis, epilepsy and other things that my dad did not say.
Let me clarify here that in this case it was probably not my dad’s fault. In this case he probably didn’t know or understand exactly what it was until now.
You may ask why we didn’t see the symptoms ourselves. Why we didn’t do anything about it. My mum blamed it all on old age. She is 57 years old which some people do not think of as old but for me she is older than all the mothers of all my friends. I do not know what to expect from that age and when things like that happen to someone close to you, your mind might not go straight to the bad thoughts. You can’t imagine something like this happening to someone in your family or generally someone close to you.
This kind of tumour is not always benign but it rarely isn’t and in the case of my mother it was benign. My dad said that my mother is doing very well and is still under medication and hooked up to an IV but she is looking great. He said that even her colour is better. I don’t know exactly what he meant but it must be that she is no longer pale or something like that.
Bottom line? She will be fine and that is all that matters to me right now.
update :: mum’s doing okay
I spoke with my father earlier. It turns out that he is a liar and quite a good one too. I always wondered where I got my skills from. Both him and my mum are good liars and so am I. When I was in school and I was caught doing something I shouldn’t I would lie and since I was one of the naughty ones I usually lied a lot. My friends back then used to tell me I should become an actor or a lawyer (ha!). I ignored them because I would never make it as an actor since I’m not pretty enough and I could never imagine myself being a lawyer!
My mother had her operation today to remove the tumour from her head. For those of you just tuning in, she was found to have a lipoma in her head which is a benign tumour or fatty tissue and that tumour was pressing against some nerves which was causing the nasty headaches she’s been having for a while now (if I remember well, it’s been a few years). The operation was successful but what my father hadn’t told me was that the tumour was not a lipoma for sure.
The doctors run a biopsy and it was finally cleared out that it was in fact a lipoma and not the “devil’s illness”, as my aunt refers to it. My mother is doing okay and is still recovering from the procedure but will have to stay in the hospital for more days than what my dad had told me. She’s still under observation and heavily medicated. However she has my aunts to keep her company as well as my dad and for when nobody can be there my dad has hired a private nurse to attend to her needs.
I was very close to going over to see her even if that meant I would have to put everything else aside and tire myself out with a very long trip. My dad suggested I didn’t because there was no need for me to be there but I wasn’t convinced. The only thing that convinced me was thinking about it.
I know my mother and I know how she would feel if I were to show up there. She would be happy, glad and moved that I was there but she would also feel guilty that I dropped everything to be there. I didn’t need to make a pro con list, I knew that making her feel guilty that her situation brought me there was not right. I could not do that because she hardly takes care of herself as it is and she won’t go to the doctor because she’s afraid something might be wrong with her which would inconvenience me or the rest of our family. I’m exactly like that too so I know that my not going there was the best choice I could make.
So, the news for now is that my mum is doing okay and recovering from the operation. The tumour was successfully removed and it was in fact just a lipoma. And I am drinking wine straight out of the bottle because my insomnia is still with me and I need something to numb my brain so that I don’t think about things.
looking good
I didn’t always take care of my looks which is fairly normal. No one comes out of the womb and asks for hairspray. Except maybe Dolly Parton. Until around the age of 12 I didn’t care at all about how I looked. That is good because at the time I was chubby with braces and was wearing the most hideous glasses ever made. Yes, there’s photographic evidence of this. And to prove how much I did not care about my looks I took every opportunity to make myself look more hideous. It was a defence mechanism I suppose. I still do it, whenever I am uncomfortable or just feeling out of place I will resort to saying something extremely embarrassing to me but hilarious to others.
A couple of years later I started noticing myself and the way I looked and started taking small steps to make myself look a bit more decent. I started using hair gel and made my own choices when it came to clothes and eye wear. I started experimenting with different hair styles but nothing crazy. It helped that my metabolism changed and I lost a lot of weight over the course of one summer and I got rid of my braces. However, it wasn’t until I moved out of my parents’ house that I truly started looking at myself and my image.
Since then I have developed a taste in clothes and style. I have changed my hair a million times and made some embarrassing choices (when it comes to hair style and clothes). The problem now is that I have reached a point where I always want to look my best. Earlier I popped out of the house briefly to get some booze and stuff for dinner (since I was already going to the super market) and while I knew that I only had 30 minutes before the super market closed, I actually took the time to do my hair.
That’s right, I was going to be out of the house for about 15 minutes (since the super market is right around the corner) and yet I actually dried my hair and styled it. I could had popped a hat on and called it a look but I didn’t. The problem is worse in the mornings when I have to get ready with no caffeine in me and not being a morning person does not help. I usually take up to 45 minutes to shower, shave, get dressed and, as you probably already guessed, do my hair. Some mornings it takes longer depending on how slow I move and other times it takes half the time (like if I’m already running late).
Okay, I’ve gotten too drunk to actually finish what I wanted to say in this post so I will stop here while I’m still making sense.
Do you have little obsessions with the way you look, like your hair or clothes?
Plus eye-liner is cooool. All the kids are doing it.
new masthead :: the ghosts of butterflies
Because of everything that’s been going on with my mother I have been unable to concentrate on studying. I usually find that expressing myself creatively helps me take my mind off of things. Today I have been incredibly incapable of focusing on anything so I sat down and thought I’d try making a new masthead a few days early.
It is already up there but if you can’t see it you need to refresh the page after clearing your browser’s cache. I also changed the background to match the new masthead.
I give you, “battling my insomnia one z at a time”. Since I have been struggling with sleep lately I found this new tag-line quite fitting. Don’t you think it is?
It’s not one of the best I’ve made but I hope you like it.
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If you want you can visit the Mastheads page and have a look at all the mastheads I’ve gone through on this blog but I warn you; the further back you go, the crappier they get. It’s like a timeline of how my design skills are evolving, if you may.
what is the opposite of a mother’s day present?
I received some bad news last week. My mum has been having some very bad headaches lately. She has been taking pain killers but they would always come back. I have asked her, nay, begged her to go see a doctor. She never did. She kept saying she would but never actually arranged to go. I am very much like my mother. I take after her in more than one ways especially personality-wise. I do not go to doctors. I know I should and I keep saying I will but I end up never going. Exactly like my mother.
Last week the headaches got pretty bad and my dad took her to see a doctor. The tests showed a tumour. That was the bad news. The good news were that the tumour was benign. It is a lipoma which is nothing more than fatty tissue which is normally left untouched unless there are cosmetic reasons to remove it. In the case of my mother however the lipoma is pressing against a nerve (or possibly more than one) in her head which is causing the headaches and from what I understand the nausea she was experiencing last week as well.
Today, of all days, she was admitted to hospital. She is having a lot of tests done one of which requires her to not move. I am not exactly sure what it is but she was injected with some drug which requires her being as still as possible until tomorrow when the test will be done. She is spending Mother’s Day in a bed. She has to remain still and is not going to sleep because of that. But that, for me, is not the worse thing.
The worse thing is that she is alone. I am not there because I can’t be there. She is too far away for me to visit. I am close to tears because I can’t be there for her. There’s nothing I can do about it and it’s killing me. A phone call is not enough but it’s all we have right now. I tried to be strong on the phone and as cheerful as possible. The last thing she needs is a boy crying over the phone right now. I laughed and joked and did my best to give her as much strength as possible. People have told me this is not a dangerous procedure and that I shouldn’t worry but all this means nothing because the truth is I am too scared of losing her. She is my strength and my idol. She has done too much for me. She has done things I cannot even imagine myself being able to do in her position. You know what the first thing she said on the phone was? That she’s sorry but it looks like she won’t be able to be here for my finals. She is the most powerful person I know and I can only wish to be half the person she is.
Mum, I love you.
I love you more than words can express and more than actions can show. I wish I could be there with you.
favourite quote of the day
walking through a month-long fog
I woke up from a dream where everything around me was misty. Thick fog was blurring my surroundings and I had no idea where I was headed. I was following the road I was on thinking that this was the best way to not get lost. When I opened my eyes the sun was shining and warming my bed through the bedroom window. I could feel the gentle morning sun warmth on my skin. Not being a morning person means that I do not express anything for at least the first 30 minutes of being awake (on my best days) but I was smiling on the inside. I was smiling because the nastiness of the past few weeks is over. The weather is getting warmer every day and it feels like summer every time I go outside.
Guys in just flip-flops and shorts are walking around or sunbathing in the parks. Girls in their most casual clothes are basking in the sun and drinking brightly coloured frozen drinks. Young children are playing at the beach. Older people are sitting in deck chairs chatting away while the sun reddens their skin. I am walking past them all in my usual fast pace wishing that I could be one of them even for only an hour. They all look so carefree and at that very moment I get pulled into their lives. Suddenly I am a young boy throwing pebbles in the sea trying to make a bigger splash than the rest of my recently met friends. I am a mother of 3 smiling as I take a photo of my children acting goofy. I am an old man walking my dog along the seafront with the help of a walking cane. Just like that, I’m there imagining what they are thinking and feeling. I am not imagining what their lives are like but what they are feeling that very moment. They seem happy.
I keep walking and I can’t help but notice that everyone looks happy. Hell, even I am looking happy. It doesn’t matter that I have a very difficult month ahead of me. It doesn’t matter that this month is what will judge whether the last 4 years of my life have been successful or I should had spent my time and money in something else. The only thing that matters is that in exactly a month from today I will be finished with this course. I will not be bound by coursework. I will be able to enjoy my summer and choose my next steps.
The dream was true; I don’t know where I am headed but I am following that road. The road will soon take me to the next town and the fog will clear by the time I get there. Where I go from there is a whole different trip but until then I will remember all this and keep that smile on my face no matter how stressed I get. The wonderful weather will make it harder to stay inside and study but it will elevate my mood and a good mood is vital when preparing for final exams. Final! That word gives me goosebumps!
Off I go!
one word, three letters, starts with…
Sssso this Bank Holiday Weekend was timed perfectly. Wonderful weather, less coursework and a longer weekend makes for a very happy Colin. On Saturday morning and after I had slept like a log (literally - I didn’t move from the position I fell asleep in and woke up all stiff) for 16 hours because I had to make up for all the sleep I lost during the week, a friend of mine sent me a text to meet up for a coffee. On a day as perfect as Saturday, I could not refuse. However, we did not have coffee. In fact, we did everything but have coffee.
We had drinks (the best Pimms I have ever had), we went shopping (spent way too much money, in my case £250 for a pair of jeans, shoes and a new leather shoulder bag), had ice cream and finally went to a travel agency. We got our first quote for a trip. A trip many of you will be glad to hear about because if it goes as I’m planning, I will be in the US this summer! Yep! Starting from New York and then hopefully visiting a couple more states so I can see a few of you guys. I don’t know how far I can go but I will be updating you with details on the dates and how much time/money I’ll have during the trip so I can put a short “US tour” together. Of course this could all go wrong and nothing will happen if my friend can’t make the first part of the trip with me.
Now let’s leave the Saturday news behind and move on to Sunday. Sunday was meant to be a quiet day. I didn’t have anything planned and with my iMac not working since Saturday night I had to spent most of Sunday bringing it back to life and to the way it was before I somehow corrupted my user profile. However, I spoke with someone I went on a date with a couple of months back. We arranged to meet up for a drink and that was meant to be it. A drink on a warm Sunday evening. So let me just say it went further than that and we ended up at his place. If you have deciphered the post title by now you’ll know what happened. I don’t think this will go any further but I don’t mind. It was a great way to blow off some steam and besides I’m not looking for a boyfriend at the moment.
So please leave your location in the comments and how far you might be willing to travel to meet me in the summer. For now the dates I might be going to the US are mid-July to early August but they might change. Let’s see if this will work!
all the “new Madonna album” tweets in one place
Those of you following me on twitter probably already know this but Diz suggested I post this on here too.
This morning I downloaded the new Madonna album, Hard Candy to give it a listen while I was studying. Let me state here that I am not a fan of Madonna and I only like some of her older songs with the exception of her previous album (Confessions on the Dance Floor) which I remember listening to a lot and actually enjoying. This is not the type of music I choose to listen to unless I’m out in a bar or something.
So I gave Hard Candy a full listen to see what all the fuss was about and with the exception of a few moments (not even whole songs) I did not like it. I heard the 4 Minutes single she did with Justin Timberlake and I cannot see what is good about it either. I find the whole album very dull. I cannot describe it in a better way. I found it dull and repetitive.
By the time I had reached the last song my head was hurting. This is the first time music has given me a headache before. Actually it’s not the first time but all the other times involved a lot of headbanging and the headache was always worth it. It all started when I “twittered” that the new Madonna album gave me a headache and then decided to take it a step further. I like poking fun at simple things like this. Mocking the album like that was a great outlet for my frustration with the coursework I was doing at the time. Here are the tweets in the order I posted them.
- The new Madonna album gave me a headache.
- The new Madonna album killed the pope.
- The new Madonna album raped me and gave me an STD in the process.
- The new Madonna album dethroned the queen and increased all our taxes.
- The new Madonna album ate my last oreo.
- The new Madonna album is behind global warming.
- The new Madonna album will kill you softly… with its words.
- The new Madonna album kidnapped Santa and cancelled Christmas. Forever.
- The new Madonna album - When you hear it you’ll shit bricks.
- The new Madonna album sneezed in my coffee.
- The new Madonna album attacked my mother with a spork.
Wow! I am so glad she is doing well. How scary!
Comment by melanie — 05.15.08 @ 8:31 pm
Oh, I am so glad to hear she’s going to be okay!! Whew! Good news!
Comment by Lucy — 05.15.08 @ 9:16 pm
Yikes scary! Good job they caught it when the did then. Yay for the NHS! Gets a lot of flack, but when the shit hits the fan they really do come through.
Comment by Pewari — 05.15.08 @ 9:57 pm
Glad to hear she’s ok. I know it must have been a huge scare for you, but it sounds like she’s going to be just fine. *hugs*
Comment by Amie — 05.16.08 @ 2:35 am
That is indeed a scary thing, but you are right, all that matters in the end is that your Mother continues to get better. My well wishes to you both!
Comment by Abraxus — 05.16.08 @ 4:34 am
melanie :: Thank you. Every time I speak with my dad it gets scarier. Today he told me more about it and almost exactly what happened, which he hadn’t told me before. I’m shaking right now.
Lucy :: Thank you. It’s scary and the more I think about it the worse it gets.
Pewari :: Indeed, it’s a good job the found it when they did although it was a private clinic/hospital and not the NHS. I don’t know would had happened if it was the NHS.
Amie :: Very scary, Amie. You can’t imagine. I’m just happy she’s okay now but she’s got a while before she can leave the hospital.
Abraxus :: Thank you mr. We were lucky to discover it when we did because things could had been a lot worse.
Comment by Colin Brooks — 05.16.08 @ 7:00 pm
That turned out to be way scarier than it appeared initially. I am glad that the medical professionals did what they needed to and that your mom is recovering nicely.
Every time I get a headache (like this morning, for instance), I worry. It’s kind of like when you go on WebMD and look up your systems. “SEEK IMMEDIATE MEDICAL ATTENTION - YOU WILL DIE”. I try not to let that get to me, and I would probably have the same thought as your mother “It’s nothing.”
I hope they’re taking good care of her in the hospital.
Comment by diz — 05.16.08 @ 8:50 pm
dz :: Yes, very scary indeed. I try not to look any symptoms online because it only freaks me out and I think I have every friggin illness on this earth of ours. If your headaches continue you should have them checked because it could be a million different things ranging from minor to major health problems. I’m not trying to panic you but I watched someone on TV talking about it and they said it’s important to find out what is causing the headaches as soon as possible because the sooner you find out the easier it is to treat. If my mum had checked why she was getting the headaches a few years back the situation wouldn’t have been as bad and she was lucky my dad forced her to go to the doctor because it could had been way worse.
Comment by Colin Brooks — 05.16.08 @ 8:57 pm